ponderings on failure

It's one of those topics we all subconsciously think about, but rarely ever openly discuss.  I, more often than not, am mentally criticizing my own actions, speech, performance, etc.  My parents raised me to have high expectations and excellent standards - but what do I do when I fail to live up to these measures of success?

As a future doc, no I take that back, as a future (and present :P) human-being I am going to fail.  Here lies one of the primary laws of humanity: people screw up.  I struggle in coping with this when it comes to personal failure.  Some people lower their expectations, in order to try to avoid disappointment.  (Do I stop aiming for a 100% because I haven't gotten one on the major domains yet, and am tired of trying to achieve the impossible?)  Some people simply stop trying.  (Since I am going to make an inevitable mistake as a doctor, perhaps I should become a fisherman to avoid whatever shame, pain, discomfort that would come with medical errors?  Do I stop organzing events with people, because I am bound to overlook someone or something and it will never be perfect?)  Some people become cynics.  (Should I lose all regard for individuals because deep down all their actions and motives are essentially selfish?)  Some people stop feeling bad, or feeling anything with their hearts.  (Would it be better to live in denial or without human compassion?)

My response to personal failure up to this point, has been to feel guilt.  I feel bad every time I realize, or am made aware of, how I've fallen short.  Since this is not just a daily occurence, but closer to hourly and minutely, this has given my heart a great deal of guilt -- which makes me realize and feel much more grateful for the grace of God in my life.  Yet I have been realizing that focusing on my screw-ups has left me somewhat egocentric.  I want to make things better, make them right, apologize or win someone's favor back.  Instead of being able to move on to the future, I get lost feeling sorry for the past.  How egocentric is that?

Only Christ can change my heart from being SELF-ish and trying to control outcomes and please people - to becoming CHRIST-ish (aka Christian.)  I just started a book (one of my Christmas presents from my Dad - thanks Dad!) called Theological Guide to Calvin's Institutes by Hall and Lilliback.  In the foreward they mention a Latin phrase, which so FAR supercedes our generation's cry of 'carpe diem'.  The phrase is coram deo and means a constant "awareness that we do and must live our lives... in the presence and sight of the searcher of hearts..."  So much for my sorry actions and sorry feelings about those actions being hidden from my Maker.  He knows my expectations, my failures, my pride, my inconsistency.  The great test for my life will be whether I stop fighting His will for me to surrender my complete and whole heart to Him.  Why do I cling to my bondage, instead of letting His freedom search and know my heart and take my guilt away?